Too much of a good thing is like too little – and just as harmful. Many people agree of the idea of moderation but if you’re a lazy bum like I am, you’ll quickly find yourself spending the day “Moderating” – and by that I mean playing Star Wars: The Old Republic online until your ears are bleeding, your eyes become dustballs and your ass takes on a triangular shape.
Now, normally people procrastinate to get a few seconds rest from the horrible miasma they call work, but artists live in their heads – where its always procrastination hour and the voices are eager to overcrowd. This is why you find us having really interesting and intense conversations in our car (but no one’s there) or humming to a song at the supermarket, with the pitch getting higher the closer we are to the cookie section. We gaze at the skies, looking for answers we cannot find in this mortal coil and not only do we see and think outside the box – we rent a summer house there.
Which is all well and good when you are an adult and everyone thinks you’re insane. They just change lanes.
When you’re 14 it’s a little less cool. Anyone who knows me knows I don’t like kids – I tend to talk to them as if they are actual human beings, and make the mistake of thinking they are. Which often leads to disappointment. One of life questions is; how come sex is so amazing and yet it creates those horrible monsters? And if you got offended by that – then you never had kids. All parents think that in one form or another (Maybe not as brashly as I do, but you’re there too). Another reason I don’t like kids – I never got along with them. When I was a kid living in the clouds and acting high, I got bullied. Now that I’m an adult (at least legally speaking) I still get looks of contempt and judgement. I still think that the worst judges in life are a bunch of teenage girls (What do we call a bunch of teenage girls? A cluster, a horde, a coven, a Miley?) As far as I can tell kids have one weakness – the power switch. Flip off your electricity for a day and watch them descend into madness.
Ok back on topic. The reason I brought up 14 year old me is that I used to run in the library and hide there (skive lessons where I got bullied) and read Animorphs. This was my first true fan addiction – I pretended to be in the story, to have powers, to help out the 6 heroes on their missions. I had a crush on Rachel.
Side note: Is it possible to have a crush on a name or is there some sort of magical power to that name? Every Rachel I meet is incredibly attractive, oozes sex and has enough attitude to make me shatter from the inside. Well, maybe there are a few exceptions. I only know of 4 – 2 of which are real people and only 1 of those had that effect on me. The Animorphs one was just a fantasy (cos she never existed) and then there’s Jennifer Aniston’s character on FRIENDS – which is the least attractive of all.
I mean, seriously! I was never attracted to Aniston and will argue every movie she has ever made, but I do watch FRIENDS. And for the life of me, I cannot remember I single episode in 10 seasons where her nipples don’t show from under her shirt. I mean, there’s sexy and seductive and then there’s desperate for attention. (And Lisa Kudrow is the prettiest one on the show).
And in a very weird way this brings me back to the original topic. I mean lemme translate this in a way most people will understand:
These are all wonderful things but you can’t have them all the time because two things will happen.
1) your stomach will write a letter of complaint and them act on it without your consent.
2) you will grow so large that you will replace the dinosaurs that used to roam the land before you and have to be buried in a piano case.
And speaking of dinosaurs: there’s a hot debate on going on right now about censorship of explicit material. As I understand it, anything which Kobo refers to as ‘Active romance’ (Cue 70’s porno music) was mercilessly cut out from the major retail stores. And as I understand it, this happens mainly with small press and self published works (The ones that cant afford to sue.) Now I don’t read romance, active or otherwise, but this is a great example of discretion and moderation.
I know, I know – art should now be limited, bla bla bla. Still, common sense should dictate that when writing for a society one must be sure that those same people wont turn on them. I’m not saying don’t have penises and erotica and hot people bending over. I’m just saying make sure it’s not the only focus of the story. You are writing a story. Not a porn flick – a novel or a piece of literature.
Now for the berating of the corporations. You fuck sticks have NO RIGHT to inhibit freedom of speech in that manner. The decent thing to do would be to classify and secure the acquisition of such material. No, underage people should not read about orgies and sibling being tied up and raped. But if some adults do want to, you have no right to impede on that right. Again, just cos you don’t support the genre doesn’t mean you cut it out. Have security, have restrictions, have passwords and tedious limitations – but have it accessible to legal, consenting consumers.
Consumers – the people PAYING YOU MONEY. You’re a corporation. YOU WANT money. Get it, you bunch of retards? You’re cutting off your own balls by doing this.
And another thing – who the fuck are you to control how I get my groove on? Perhaps beating you maid, and then raping her for a pittance that the Chinese child laborers that assembled your phone would consider change, is your sick little thing. Perhaps you like dressing up as wood animals and nibble on eachother’s genitals. Perhaps you like to pretend you’re a Catholic priest or a mad rapist. Perhaps you like getting spanked.
You don’t see me judging you. So if the only way I can get it up is by reading about a pussy-slaying velociraptor – then don’t get in my way.
side note: I’d like to let everyone know I’m dying with laughter here. I don’t know how high you gotta be to cook up a plot like that but check your dosage.
If the author of these is a guy – well no surprise there. We men are perverts.
But the author is a woman and they are worse than guys in some regards. So to the lady who created these saurians with an insatiable appetite for slutty college girls, who act very close to some frat boys but at the same time hold a data-inputting job at Google (or in this case Groogle); I ask you two things
1) gimme your number cos, Wow are you into some weird shit
2) Good luck with your sales cos something tells me its those books that these new laws are making extinct (Badum- pah).
Quick checklist: childhood trauma, check. Rachel’s nipples, check. Calling the companies I hope will sell my books retards, check. Dino-porn, check.
I read this interview where someone said that the reason they want to enforce censorship is the prevent exposure of sexual material to people, especially underage ones.
Listen up lady – by the time I was 15, me and every guy with a penis on the planet, was virtual encyclopedia of the pornsites that exist on the internet. I knew that facet of the media better than I knew the back of my hand (actually there was a relationship there, but I won’t go into details). If you want to enforce censorship, might I indicate that side of things – oh wait, you won’t shut down porn because it compromises 1/3 of the internet and you make money off of it. If explicit material would be shut down, Google will go bankrupt the next day.
That argument has the same fallacy as the one regarding the mythical correlation between violence and video games. You don’t shoot people because you play GTA or Call of Duty. You shoot people cos you’re a violent lunatic who has severe control issues. You shoot people and children in schools because you need help and because you have guns. Everyone has guns – it’s like the wild west.
And here’s the honest to God truth – guns are tools to kill people. That is their only function. So if you buy a gun – guess what you’re bound to do with it. Now I understand self-defense. I’m down with that. I just think some self-control needs to be in store here and maybe some screening of people who buy guns. I find it ironic you can buy armor piercing rounds no problem (Do deer were bulletproof vests now? ) but you get interrogated if you buy more than 2 packets of paracetamol and pain killers. And I’m not even going to tackle the medical marijuana thing. You can’t get high but you can always buy tools to kill people with and vent out your frustrations by pumping some rounds in a schoolyard. That ought to solve some issues.
And how dumb can you be to think that video games are somehow related to reality. If that were true I’d be a dragon, a wizard and a demon slayer. Instead, I only get fire with acid reflex, the only magic I can do is repel anyone with a uterus and the only demons are inside my head – where I cannot do anything but try to talk to them, which doesn’t work cos they have the attention span of a squirrel in a jam jar.
So . . . I seem to have lost the topic for this one. I have no idea how this relates to writing except you gotta take a break after a while. And I seem to have unleashed some demons here today so I’m gonna go ahead and take that pat on the back.
On a professional note (This should be good) next week is the release of the AEC Stellar short story collection or anthology. Whatever it’s called (Professional!!!). I know everyone says this about their colleagues but I have read some short stories from other fellows and they are great. It’s a diverse collection so you’ll find your genre there. If you like them, or just the one, leave a review or a comment. Those will help us way more than you think. Even a ‘good job’ or “I liked it” will suffice. My action, comedy, urban fantasy story (See the professionalism? can you taste it?) Big Wolf on Campus will be featured there too (no relation to the show but I did grow up in the 90’s).
I have a short story coming out on Halloween called Dread Night and it takes place on, you guessed it, Christmas. I mean, All Hallows Eve. Again, it’s part of the Legacy series (as is Big Wolf) which means its a blend of action, urban fantasy and comedy. (essentially a more subtle version of the dick jokes in my blog posts.) I’m sure you’ll like it – and if you do I’ll like you in turn. I like giving out certain short stories for free or at .99c as specials – it’s my way of saying thanks to the reader for supporting my writing. I can’t always promise it cos my manager will castrate me, but I like being nice to my fans ( the few I have left).
So on this note (before the demons come out again) I shall leave you.
Bye and adieu,
Ryan and (imaginary) friend (With these fun brackets)