How to (not) be a successful writer

People of Earth, I come to you with knowledge. Since it is painfully clear that I’ve been shifting tactics as to how to reach you, I’ve finally decided to stick with the stuff that I know (coincidentally also mostly free) and this is one such method which I have chosen to employ.

But enough about the small stuff. I come before you today with glorious purpose, so listen, read and learn.

Can you feel my glorious purpose?

Can you feel my glorious purpose?

How to be A Successful Writer

Tip #1: Writing is easy. Monkeys can do it. All you have to do is push buttons on a keyboard. You can do this all day for a month during NaNoWriMo. So why bother with it? Just spend a month writing fast and hard, hit save and sit back. You are a writer, bitch.

No this is NOT a selfie!!

No this is NOT a selfie!!

Tip #2: Editing is for pussies. You either write well or you don’t. And who can tell what is good writing or bad writing? People will buy anything. They should be grateful that you have taken the time out of your busy schedule to bless them with you words and opinions. If they don’t like it, fuck them. And if you make a mistake – Ah, who are you kidding, you don’t make mistakes.

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Need I add anything?

Tip #3: Don’t waste time reading. You want to write your story and your opinion. So who cares about other people’s shit?

Tip #4: Good covers are a waste of time and money. You’re not gonna pay some fancy-ass dipshit with a Photoshop diploma when you can just slap a Google images picture on a plain word Background. Why does Word have backgrounds in the first place? It’s for you to use it. You can make your own covers because you know best.

Drool motherfuckers, drool.

Drool motherfuckers, drool.

Tip #5: Reviews. Your work is great but those assholes at Amazon are keeping you down. Ranking, my ass. So you need reviews? Write them yourself from an internet cafe and give them all 5 stars because you fucking deserve it! But why should you waste time on your own reviews when you can pay other people to do it? (What are the chances of you being caught?)

Tip #6: If you didn’t follow the sagely advice in Tip #5, then GO DO IT. But if you’re still adamant you want others to honestly (pfft. . .pussy!) review your masterpiece make sure to track down every motherfucker who gave you a negative review. Those are PERSONAL dammit, and you cannot stand for it. Track the down, spam their shit and make them pay!!

(I have friends with machetes; I can hook you up – so to speak)

Tip #7: Marketing is for those snakes in Wall Street. You have no business doing that. You’re work is so awesome that the moment you click ‘submit’ it will shake the literary world as we know it – the land will tremble, men will quake in fear and woman will ovulate.

Sorry for screwing with your otter fantasy

Sorry for screwing with your otter fantasy

Tip #8: Don’t interact. You fans are your servants and if they aren’t fellating you every second of every day, then you have no business acknowledging them. You are too important to answer questions; why can’t those idiots just read the damn books?

Tip #9: Wait did I say Books? Yeah, don’t do that. One book is enough. Look at Hugh Howey – he got famous with ONE book.

Q: But what about JK Rowling and Harry Potter?

A: That bitch probably slept with the publisher.

You need one book and you’ll become an ever night success. On the off chance that you’re tight for money (which won’t happen cos you’d be rolling in fat stacks) then write a sequel or something. I mean, you can always make something up in a month right?

OK this could be a selfie

OK this could be a selfie

Tip #10: You’re awesome – we already established that. The whole world should know how talented you are and you wrote your book. People are amazed, fat stacks are rolling in and everywhere you go bitches get wet. So don’t bother with the whole ‘learning you craft’ shit – what a waste of time. You’re so good (no, AMAZING) that you can spend the rest of your days watching episodes of The Walking Dead and playing Xbox. Occasional you’ll check under the table to see how the slave/fan/bitch is doing but not often – you’re an artist and your time is precious.

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And there you go: ten simple steps on how to go from a wanker with an idea to a FAMOUS AND SUCCESSFUL writer.

 

I have reached the climax . . . of my glorious purpose

I have reached the climax . . . of my glorious purpose

P.S. For those of you who can’t see past the sarcasm and think I’m being serious, kill yourself cos you’re dead inside.

Seriously.

No, no.

Seriously.

I’m not joking.

Seriously

Seriously

Seriously.

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6 comments on “How to (not) be a successful writer
  1. I can’t believe I missed this post. Hilarious.
    ~SAT

  2. amberskyef says:

    I piss glitter regardless. Don’t judge!

  3. Glitter piss may seem like a sound idea, but buyer beware! Having been accosted by more than a dozen sparkling strippers, evacuating glitter from one’s bladder is akin in sensation to firing a bottle rocket or two from one’s urethra. (I still cringe at a fireworks display.)

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