Marvel’s plans for world domination and why I don’t mind

I am writing this about five minutes after having woken up on a Saturday so don’t expect anything too serious. Saturdays exist only for the sole purpose of sleeping in, classic cartoon reruns and late morning sexual activities. Nothing else!

But I have been contractually obliged by my friends who plan to drag me out to watch Winter Soldier and so here I am, ranting.

I read somewhere yesterday that Marvel has a 15 year plan to dominate the media world as we know it – triggering an apocalypse by making high octane CGI enhanced movies about imaginary people from the 70’s golden age and rendering us a bunch of 3D glass wearing comatose consumers, some of whom will have I’m Blue stuck in their heads after watching Iron Man 3. (daba dee, daba daiiii, daba dee daba daiiii.)

That being said, and this comes from one who has been described as overly paranoid (the generous term for it) or Tin-foil-hat fucking bat-shit crazy (the term my loved ones use), I’m not sure that Marvel conquering the world will be such a bad idea. Let’s have a quick rundown of their catalog shall we:

  • Spider-Man 1-3. OK I have to admit, this is a bad start. Anything with Toby McGuire in it is cause for suspicious, but this superhero movie takes the shit cake. I loved him in Wonder Boys but he was a bad choice for Peter Parker. Then again, anyone is better than Ryan Reynolds.
  • Blade (1-3). Wesley Snipes as a sword wielding, street talking vampire slayer? He was born to play that role. Hell yes!!
  • X-Men 1-3. The movies varied in awesomeness and a lot of fans complained about the unoriginal plot lines or maybe the mutilation of some classics (anyone remembers the 3rd movie and Rise of the Phoenix? It’s a wonder the world didn’t end – oh, wait that’s a fictional character. Never mind), but hey, I liked them. I love the X-Men for various reasons, one of which is that it not only makes you think you’re an outcast with awesome powers but you will also find a family in a giant big-ass mansion full of mutants run by Captain Kirk – I mean Professor X.
  • Daredevil. I was never a huge follower of this guy but as far as movies go – meh. Still, cool jumpsuits.
  • Hulk. Can’t comment here, haven’t watched it and don’t plan to. Was never a Hulk fan.
  • The Punisher. Here’s your homework for the day: go rent the Punisher played by Thomas Jane. DO IT!! (But hide your family first.) Rock music, guns, war and John Travolta? Sign me up!!
  • Elektra. It’s like Marvel can read my mind. They took the best elements from Daredevil (that would be the hot chick in leather and kick ass moves, in case you had any doubts) and gave them an Asian ‘House Of Flying Daggers’-esque feel. The fantasy element was amazing, and of course Jennifer Garner . . . . pant, pant, pant.
  • Fantastic Four (both movies cos I’m lazy). First one had some of the most insidious over-acting imaginable but the second one got way better with the Silver Surfer. Then again, anything is better with the Silver Surfer. Not Marvel’s best movies but hey, the comics are awesome.
  • X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Gotta say, after the Transformers (not a Marvel thing) fiasco, I expected this movie to be garbage on a hot summer’s day. It wasn’t. In fact I’d say it was better than most X-Men movies by far. And of course Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool, or rather Wade Wilson – please excuse me while I slam my head on a desk. (CAN WE STOP CASTING THIS DUDE FOR ACTION MOVIES?)
  • Iron Man (1-3). First movie – loved it. Second movie – could have been a little better. Third movie – I cried in the cinema. Fuck you, I did. Marvel showed it can do the one thing it was notoriously good at failing at – nailing a good ending. Also, I remember I’m Blue just coming out (No, I’m not old. Yes I just had my birthday, but no, I’m not old!) and I couldn’t resist singing along.
  • Thor (1-2). Loved the first movie. Second one sucked big baby chunks in a blender. But we all know the reason why that movie was successful, right ladies?
  • X-Men First Class. I loved this movie. They picked out my favorite mutants, put in Jennifer Lawrence before the Hunger Games trauma, and had some of the best lines in a superhero movie to date. A must watch.
  • Ghost Rider (1-2). No. Just fucking, no!
  • The Avengers. I cannot begin to describe how awesome this movie is. There are no words to properly convey what an awesome idea this was. Also Joss Whedon wrote and directed it and I have a feeling he’s going to be very preoccupied by a lot of sequels.
  • Captain America. First movie was OK. Second movie – I’ll get back to you in a few hours. Check my tweets.
  • The Wolverine. Honestly now we’re pushing it. Give the guy a rest. Where’s the DEADPOOL MOVIE, huh Marvel?
  • The Amazing Spider-Man. I’ve watched the Toby McGuire ones. Nothing can ever apologize for that.

Movies in the making:

  • X-Men: Days of Future Past. If they pull it off this may just be Movie of the year. If not, Marvel studios will be ransacked by torch-wielding and plastic hammer bearing fans.
  • Guardians of the Galaxy. After that teaser at the end of Thor one – ABOUT FUCKING TIME!
  • Avengers: Age of Ultron. Yes, oh Loki Almighty, hell yes.
  • Fantastic Four reboot. This just gives me a knotted stomach.
  • Ant-Man. No. Please don’t. There are a million ways this can go wrong. Then again, anything is better than Ghost Rider isn’t it?

 

See? Apart from some ranting and heart palpitations, Marvel didn’t do anything wrong. Sure, they keep teasing us with movies like Deadpool and Black Widow (Scarlet Johannson in leather – I wonder who would watch that?) but at least they don’t take children, market them as pristine and untouchable and then abandon them when they are of age, like some sort of slave-house from Oliver Twist. Now wonder their most precious end up dry humping a middle aged man in a Beetlejuice outfit. Personally I would take Marvel reign on the world any day over Disney’s.

Think about it. Disney’s job is to parade young underage girls in front of the masses, market them like a piece of meat and then dump them the moment something drastic happens like – they have mental issue due to disorders or stress. Or worse, they grow up. Oh the humanity! And seriously, whose idea was it to give 16 year old that much money and ego? They’re 16. Duh, motherfuckers!

So moral of the story . . . there isn’t one. Just go watch some Marvel movies. I know I am.

I’m Blue, daba dee, daba daiiii, daba dee daba daiiii.

I can’t get that fucking song out my head now.

Peace,

Ryan

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