Once again, it’s Friday (no relation to the song) and it’s time for my weekly blog post. So let’s get this thing rolling.
First up, a big congratz to Shannon Thompson for graduating. It’s a huge deal in someone’s life. I don’t know about you guys but college (or as we call them here, Universities – smell that posh people) wasn’t exactly the party it’s panned out to be. In my country it’s somewhat more lethargic, given that we have no dorms, no frats or sororities and indefinitely no girls flashing their breasts as guys shoot amateur porn. I guess all we do is show up to the lecture, nod as the lecturer spews out something or another and then fuck off. Interestingly enough I spent most of my lecture time (because I had already read all the material beforehand and knew what I had to know) writing the Star Wars fanfiction which you can find on my fanfiction.net page.
(You couldn’t resist plugging yourself there could you?)
I do have a funny story about the graduation ceremony though. First off, the toga. What the fuck is that thing? I had to wear a green cowl (they call it a sash cos apparently no one owns a freakin’ dictionary!) that I could have worn as a belt. So essentially I looked like Gay Irish Batman.
The Drunk Knight.
And what’s the deal with the hat? Hasn’t anyone realized – YOU ARE WEARING A SQUARE ON YOUR HEAD. How is that a symbol of intellect? You think the Romans are looking down from the Field of Elysium going ‘Hey, Cesar, check out these fucking morons. I can’t believe they bought our joke.’
It’s the same thing with the 2012 Mayan prophecy – they ran out of ink, chisel and stone you guys. Relax!!
But anyway –
I put on the Gay Irish Batman costume (square sold separately) and stand in line. I should point out that I was running a bit of a cold that day, so had to constantly sniff on a tissue, which really just made me look as if I was snorting cocaine.
When they call out my name, I walk over casually because . . . Well, I’ve been through the querying part of publishing and have over seventy rejection letters. An asshole in a dress isn’t really going to impress me.
I should note that everyone was nervous as fuck (or a virgin fuck if I were to create a mental picture) and both the Rector and the 2 Chancellors were having a little chat with each grandaunt so that they won’t look like zombie bumblebees when the picture gets taken.
So I walk over casually, shake the Rector’s hand and he asks “Are you going to pursue any further studies?” which translates to “Are you going to give me more money?”
So as flatly as I can I say, “No!” and walk over to the Chancellor.
Chancellor: “Ryan, you seemed really flustered by the Rector’s question.”
Me: “Not really flustered. I just am not going to pursue any further studies, at least not for the time being.”
Chancellor (Chancy): “May I ask what do you do for a living?”
Me: “I am a professional and published author.”
*** At this point the Rector does a double take into our conversation, that would have made John Cleese very proud. The audience is now questioning WTF is going on with the short dude who looks like Gay Irish Batman ***
Chancy: “Wow that’s so amazing. Congratulations. I publish books too.”
Me: “Yes. You publish law books.”
Chancy: “Not many people read them. Only law students.”
Me: “Unless they drop out.”
Then I fuck off in the smoothest bow-out in history.
So the moral of the story is – Ah, who am I kidding. there is no moral here. I was just laughing maniacally as I sprinkled salt on a wound I had cut open in him.
So, Shannon, good luck.
For those of you following me on Facebook and Twitter ( and really you should because my bullshit is better than your bullshit. and way less frequent), then you know that I had my very own release party last night.
Now, it was cool, although I was sad to see some people leave due to sickness or other occupational hazards. Whoever the sick girl was I do hope you feel better. I was also told by someone that they love me – and until I see a chocolate cake on my front porch, I don’t believe you. Speaking of front porches, I pissed off author Amber Skye Forbes last night with this song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qsy7kJyizoc) and apparently her fiance wanted to drive a nail spike through his head and she wanted to retaliate by sending a dead puppy to my front door.
Or I may have misread it and really she’s gonna dress up as a dead puppy and lie on my front porch as her fiance nails her (wow that gives new meaning to doggystyle). Whatever. Who am I to judge how one gets inspired?
Here’s the thing about these parties guys – I have a +6 hour time difference. You were all there at 7. Which means I was awake at 2 am. I had to chug 2 red bull cans to stay awake, and today I woke up in what can only be described as a hangover meets walk of shame hybrid situation.
It was like I had the wildest frat party in history but it only happened in my fucking head.
Point is, I do remember the highlights but there is no way I’m gonna call up the finer details. I was far from lucid. Oh, and my manager facebooked (yeah that’s a thing now) with “we like you when you’re silly” which really means “dance monkey, dance.”
But jokes apart, I really meant it when I felt humbled. It’s great to meet you guys in person without actually seeing and smelling you- and I do look forwards to chatting with you in the comments section below.
Congrats to the winners – I read some of the prizes (the books anyway) and the ones I read are really good. Great selection Ky.
And I do uphold my promises – so make sure to leave a review for a chance to have it quoted on this blog and for me to say how cool you are. I wanna start the new year with some positive, and nothing makes me more positive than to witness the readers enjoying my books.
(Make of that last sentence what you will. Only the pervs will get that.)
Till next time