Cactus Rant

Random_Cactus_Monster___Thing_by_zurtech

OK, so Cactus (cactii?) – I hate this fucking thing. I mean what the fuck Nature? And what the fuck, People, for keeping these spiny freak shows as like pets or some shit?

These fuckers look like literal dick heads with a shitload of thorns that SHOOT INTO YOU if you touch, get close to or other wise do anything at all which the cactus deems unworthy. As far as I can tell, there is no medical super agent in a cactus, no drugs, no beautiful pretty flower, no even a good fruit – NOTHING.

Just those fucking thorns. Which hurt – like, a lot. Some people might even be allergic have to go to the emergency room. Or some people, and this might sound strange to you cactus loving freakazoids, might actually not like to have part of a plant INSIDE of them.

And really what’s the point of this thing? It doesn’t do anything!! (apart from sting like a motherfucker).

It’s the equivalent of fucking jellyfish in a pot – yeah, that’s what you have: a brainless, useless, remnant of nature’s diarrhea with thorns. How is this plant not extinct or something? Oh that’s right – It GROWS IN THE DESERT!!! Stop trying to decorate your shit with stuff that even God went “Huh, let’s put that aside for a second whilst we complete the T-Rex project.”

Look if you’re that bored or lonely get a dog or something. they are cute, they can love you back and if you listen to Carlos Mencia you can try making the dog lick your balls by putting peanut butter on them. (Although if you do you’re treading some thin ice – a dog can’t possibly view your ugly-ass man bag as a sexual object so it’s only there for the peanut butter. And it’s only a matter of time before the meat starts looking delicious – I mean the dog already tenderized it and shit . . . . . what are we talking about again?)

Point is stop putting motherfucking cactii in places where I have to access – like windows, the doorway, stairs, etc. Just cut that shit out. If you do insist in owning the plant version of Simon Cowell (spreading thorns instead of verbal miasma) at least put it somewhere it can’t harm others. Like a closet or something – Don’t worry you won’t kill it (IT GROWS IN THE MOTHERFUCKING DESERT. Nothing you can throw at it is gonna phase it.)

And if you do . . . well, good for you. This is a world where the Kardashians have an empire – there are more than enough little pricks.

End of rant.

Only acceptable cactus in the world is Togemen from Digimon.

Only acceptable cactus in the world is Togemen from Digimon.

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2 comments on “Cactus Rant
  1. K.D. Keenan says:

    Some cacti have delicious fruit. Once you get at it. The best cactus fruit I ever ate had two-inch-long spines on the outside. It looked like a bright red mega-virus. But the inside–heaven!

  2. K.D. Keenan says:

    Some cacti have delicious fruit. Once you get at it. The most delicious cactus fruit I ever ate had two-inch-long spines on the outside. It looked like a bright red mega-virus. But the inside–heaven!

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