Dungeons, Dragons and character creation

A few months ago (right around the inception of my podcast actually) I read The Writer’s Journey by Christopher Vogler, which in itself is a reinterpretation of Campbell’s The Hero with a Thousand Faces (which I own but haven’t started).

Where the hell am I going with this?

Point is, I read the book and retained nothing of it. I do know I enjoyed reading it, but I was watching Heroes at the time and Hayden Panettiere can be very fucking distracting. I do remember Vogler talking over and over again about the Jungian Archetypes and how they are very important to character creation, and honestly at the time I thought it was a bunch of crap. Sure I could see the links but it wasn’t anything substantial so I moved on.  Now I feel like I sort of get it but seriously, am I going to be the one to reinterpret the interpretation of Campbell’s work?

Fuck no. So let’s talk about something I know (about fucking time too) – Dungeons and Dragons.

I play the online version because

a) I have no patience to roll

b) people (the concept of ‘outside’ in general) are scary

c) no one wants to play with me

One of my first reviews ever (a negative review), written by a guy I will affectionately name Cunt-fuck, stated that I got all the writing techniques wrong and that my story read like a cheap role playing game.

Now, granted, my writing is not perfect, and perhaps Cunt-fuck is some Harvard Professor with a chalk stick up his ass, but whatever. Following Cunt-fuck’s theme I downloaded the online version of DnD and became hooked.

In every role playing game you gotta choose your class – your character build. Every game has it’s own system but DnD is probably the earliest one to introduce this system, so all y’all other games can fuck off.

Most play the old version of DnD for the story, but I tend to just like smashing things and trudging through the game play without concern for narrative (unless I get lost in a level, which happens oh-so-fucking-often). I work with words and stories – the last thing I need after four hours of beating my brain into submission trying to smooth a chapter or thinking of new ways how to put all the granulated scenes in my head together, is to play a game with words in it.

But character builds are just like creating story characters – and DnD insists these are one and the same. So here’s a few classes I like to play as:

Ranger: This is by far my favorite. I rolled two already and they are my most advanced yet. A ranger is just like Legolas in LotR: ace with a bow, fast dual dealing damage, light armor. I usually roll an elf as race too, simply because the in-game advantages are better for that class, although a human is OK if you’re going in a specific direction.  And seriously who doesn’t love a good elf.

Mostly I love the range – you can stay away from enemy tides and just machinegun monsters from a distance . . . WITH A FUCKING BOW!!

I don’t know if you’ve ever tried archery but that shit is hard. I did it once or twice and the damn string kept snapping at my nipple every time. . . . and apparently that was a common complaint.

(Seriously, this archery nipple thing is a SERIOUS FUCKING ISSUE)

Moving on.

Get off my lawn bitches

Get off my lawn bitches


Fighter: this is your run of the mill weapon specialist. They wear the heaviest armor, sling around the toughest swords (which ironically is a Khopesh – maybe the developer was Egyptian? Or maybe the developer was fucking an Egyptian girl?)

I think this is the only class that can carry tower shields and those fuckers are tough. Imagine being in a corner and thinking ‘oh shit, my Blade moment is over. Time to play defense.’ THAT’S when you bring a tower shield into play – it’s like saying “This person isn’t dead enough. Where’s my stream roller?”

Fighters are usually human or dwarf although personally I go for human, since you get a bonus feat. I mean, if you’re going for the whore class, might as well go all in right?

(Ryan is laughing too. Don’t feel bad – you’re both idiots)

Thor can kiss my axe

Thor can kiss my axe


Cleric:  This dude is the first I’ve ever played, simply because I only play good solo characters (see above for a list of Ryan’s insecurities with other people – no they don’t stop only in this world but also the virtual one).  Every game has a healer class and this is it.

(Yes, yes, I know the Favoured Soul is a healer too but you gotta pay to get that class and I’m cheap. So unless someone from Wizards of the Coast wants to sponsor me – which would be so fucking cool – I don’t wanna spend money on something I probably won’t like)

A cleric is perfect for beginners since it can deal high damage, even so to the chumps of undead in early levels and I played a dwarf to get extra constitution. Also, making a fat dwarf chase skeletons with a big mace is hilarious!

Clerics heal themselves which is so handy when you’re complete idiot like I am and either WALK into traps or forget to buy healing potions.

(That just happened today didn’t it?)  Shut up. Moving on.

where's the bathroom???

Where’s the bathroom???


Barbarian: I said over and over again that I don’t like big muscly guys and I only rolled a barbarian because I kept dying in a level, so I got this guy, played for four hours to get him to the required level and then made mince meat of the boss. Of course got my ass handed to me with magic based enemies but hey, I got to smash shit with a claymore. What have you done today?


Wolvie is considered a barbarian

Wolvie is considered a barbarian


Our babies will be smart and beautiful

Our babies will be smart and beautiful





Wizard: I had this character for exactly five minutes. First off, I was writing a wizard, literally, so I wanted to play one as well. Unlike my wizard, (which is oh-so-awesome, am I right Cunt-fuck?) wizards in DnD are very, very, VERY, squishy.

And by squishy I mean, they can take exactly two hits before you’re mopping up their guts from the dungeon floor.

Looks cool . . . actual efficiency may vary

Looks cool  right? … Actual efficiency may vary


Paladin: I gotta mention this motherfucker for the sake of honesty. (Seriously man what were you smoking to play this guy?) Look, it said they were tough. I was told they were awesome holy warriors.

(Well you did get fucked up the hole so I guess they are Hole-ey Warriors . . . see that’s how you tell a joke.)

I fight for glory. And this big-ass bird right here

I fight for glory. And this big-ass bird right here


Either Wizards is a liar in the character descriptions (duh) or I can’t play (true as well). Either way, I dropped him yesterday and now I’m back to a Ranger.

I guess even in a game I hate confrontation – but I do love watching making enemies explode with a click of button.

That’s all folks, till next time,

Peace out.

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